On a Monday afternoon I am sitting in Mama Sue’s kitchen on my computer, looking at my to do list, and wishing I was in my new home in Toronto unpacking. This past weekend was a bit of a quiet one for me, and while I sat back and watched as creators I love, friends and family celebrate Easter, I took stock of all the things in my life that are going well.
The practice of gratitude is one that I am still quite new to, because most of my life, I have become accustomed to focusing on what is going wrong, what I have lost, and what I have not yet accomplished. I think in the world we live, that’s actually (and unfortunately) become the easier option because we have built on a reality that is hyper focused on hustle culture and comparison. I guess what I’m trying to say – and I hope I remember in the coming days, weeks, months, and years – is that maybe the point of life isn’t about always working ourselves to death and worrying. Maybe it’s the little moments like mine right now, looking at a bouquet of orange tulips, sipping coffee, and planning my final return home that matter more. Let’s break that down a little, shall we?
For those of you who follow me on social media, you may have noticed that recently I’ve been repeating the following mantra in stories and posts.
“Everything is working out for me.”
Being that I am so much more aware of my mental health and my ability to rewire and rework my lived experiences (and traumas), it was brought to my attention that if you tell yourself something often enough, it becomes your reality.
I think for too long, I lived by that without realizing it, but in the negative sense. I focused on the things in my life I didn’t have, had to achieve, had lost, or were “wrong” about me. While that can be attributed to the healing process, grief, heartache, and shame, it was important for me to realize that I was stuck in a negative cycle.
I’m going to divulge something I haven’t shared yet out of worry of the reaction.
Before I do, it’s extremely important for me to make this crystal clear. I have been working very closely with my mental health practitioners and family doctor, and the following decision was made with much consideration and not impulsively as many decisions in my life have been.
I’ve stopped taking my anti-depressants and I think it may have been one of the better decisions in my life in the recent few months. While I am very grateful for their ability to help pull me out of a very deep depression in 2023 lasting into the beginning of 2025, most recently I brought to the attention of the above medical experts that my mind and body were being affected more negatively than positively.
This can be attributed to a lot of different reasons, and again, PLEASE never change your medication dosage or stop taking medication without consulting an expert first. Especially anti depressants, as the results can be dangerous and very harmful.
For the last six weeks I have been slowly lowering my dose and this is the first full week of being off of them. I haven’t felt this happy and level headed on my own without assistance in a very long time. This change has come in tandem with my weight release journey (a term I heard Lizzo use on a recent podcast with Jay Shetty – here – and LOVED), my healing from changes in my life and the acceptance of them, my move back to Toronto, and a journey I’ve shared in part of finding out who I really am today and who I want to be.
I have found that in these changes working together and simultaneously, that I feel more like myself. I became an advocate for mental health and seeking medication for those who need it and I’m very proud of that.
The lead up to being medicated was not an easy journey for me, and there was a lot going on in my life that led me to believe I didn’t need or want the help. Once I had started the medication, I found my way out of some horrible situations.
Today, looking back, I could not have been more right in that choice. Similarly I am feeling very positive about the decision to stop taking them and I will continue to ensure that I do what’s best for my physical, emotional and psychological well being.
Starting over, again, in life has certainly humbled me in a lot of ways. I have taken responsibility for my actions, embraced the difficulties of accountability, and am actively working to forgive myself for mistakes I have and will most like make as I move forward. There is no play book to life, work, and love. There is opportunity to grow, even from the ashes when everything burns to the proverbial ground.
I wrote the following and it sums up how feel today.
“It’s easy to focus on the things that haven’t gone the way I had hoped they would in the past few weeks. Instead, this morning I woke up and realized the following
My move home to Toronto is within reach.
There are good people in this world that love & support me.
I am not happy in spite of anyone or anything. I’m just happy.
I’ve got things in the works with producers that excite me.
I’m in the best physical & mental shape I’ve been in years.
I’ve found my creative hunger for work again.
Every single day, I remind myself that everything is working out for me. Because it is, and 2025 will be (as a very good friend recently said) my Daniel-aissance ✨”
So what’s next for me? Well, this week I am going to do my best to get back to Toronto for good. I am going to focus on brands, PR and Marketing, and people who want to work with me vs. chasing those who don’t. I am going to feel sure of my choices and my ability to make my dreams come true, because I am a resilient and strong and beautiful man who deserves good things to happen that are born from how hard for them.
I am going to keep telling myself that everything is working out for me.
And I hope, if nothing else, that maybe you try to do the same even if just once. You might be surprised how it makes you feel.
Each and every chapter of my life has led me to the man I am today. And I will always carry them and be grateful for them.
Now it’s finally time to close the last one, thank it for the lessons, and start the next.
Photos: Daniel Reyes Cocka taken on my Google Pixel 9 Pro XL
Don’t forget to be kind & a little more honest with yourself this year
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