Tag: Life

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Working Title: The Scars We Share

*A note before you read this. It touches on death, addiction, and my first marriage. If these topics make you uncomfortable in any way, I think for now you can just let it pass you by. I have always dreamed of getting a book published, and some of you know that this one has been a labour of love for a few decades. It has changed and evolved with me, and I think it’s time.

A preface traditionally is meant to set the tone and subject of a book. Mine is to show you the style of writing I have used, the tonality of introspection and inner monologue that it carries, and the universality that life is a complicated and beautiful mess sometimes.

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Some years we thrive. Some years we survive.

In the most cliché way possible, I am getting introspective while reflecting on what a fucking and complicated mess 2024 has been. Full of tears, laughter, loss, love, big fucking mistakes, healing, continuously failing, blowing up friendships, growth, realizations, acceptance… and that’s just to name a few off the top of my head.

But if you’re here for the tea gurls, that’s not the place I write from anymore. Sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting a past version of myself. But I love and respect myself and others too much to keep making the same mistakes over and over more than I already have.

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If you could start over anywhere, where would it be?

I had an interesting appointment with my therapist recently where we were discussing my career, my love life, my sex life, and what I was doing for myself these days. After my birthday in October where I spent it in Toronto busying myself with work and surrounded by people that bring me joy, I got back to Ottawa and completely shut down for two weeks. I turned the world off proverbially, and most days I couldn’t even eat, let alone create content or write or look at my phone to respond to anyone.

Amid the session, I wanted to talk about that burnout and how I was carrying the heartbreak of accepting the life I knew and loved was coming to an end, and how much I am hurting. I also realized that I could look at it as an opportunity to start the life I wanted and deserved. It felt like I was finally clawing myself out from under the past nine months, and I actually took a very small sigh of relief while simultaneously allowing myself to cry as many big heavy tears as needed.

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Turns Out, Life Had Other Plans

It’s 10pm on a random Tuesday in May and I am left feeling a mixture of nostalgia, loneliness and restlessness all wrapped up in one. It’s been a few weeks since I last saw my husband or my dog, and while I am learning to make new patterns for this portion of our journey to having kids, it doesn’t make any of “this” any easier. I could have been wildly financially ahead of where I am had I made better choices in my youth. I could have had a “better body” had I focused more on the vanity that conventional beauty demands.

I could have this, and should have that, but in the end it turns out, life had other plans.

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