It’s 10pm on a random Tuesday in May and I am left feeling a mixture of nostalgia, loneliness and restlessness all wrapped up in one. It’s been a few weeks since I last saw my husband or my dog, and while I am learning to make new patterns for this portion of our journey to having kids, it doesn’t make any of “this” any easier. I could have been wildly financially ahead of where I am had I made better choices in my youth. I could have had a “better body” had I focused more on the vanity that conventional beauty demands.
I could have this, and should have that, but in the end it turns out, life had other plans.
Now I am the first to admit that I have at times complained about things others would consider blessings, and I don’t mean or ask for any pity. A lot of times while I sit alone with my computer typing away, I in fact am writing a blog post meant for me. This is my catharsis. My act of release. My way of letting out all of the emotions that I can feel in this very moment, which as of late, is a lot.
Today is hard so that tomorrow can be better I keep telling myself. And 99% of me knows that to be true.
Pride Month is ahead and the blog is busy busy busy. I’ve never felt this good about a job I hold or been this passionate to succeed in it. I create when I’m not working and work when I’m not creating… but the problem with that as many of you fellow “workaholics” know is that eventually the well runs dry. And before I burn myself out, I need to be okay with taking a day off here or there. For buying myself something nice while we save and pay down our debts. For allowing a meal ordered in every now and again.
I have been guilty too many times of glorifying the busy. Of idiolizing the success of others based on what they can cram into one day. And while I respect and uphold myself to the hightest standards, I also can be okay with failing.
My friend Solmaz shared a meme lately about not fearing our mistakes because it is those moments that make for the greatest lessons. It is how we unwillingly grow the most. How we evolve into our best selves. As someone that has made a lot of mistakes, many of them quite publicly in the last ten years, I don’t think I could be more proud of myself today.
I am tired. My body doesn’t respond the way it should physically when I work out. My mind races in the night and I’m still learning to manage my stress.
But my goodness, am I proud. I know what must be done and what must be sacrificed to have my babies. I wish it could be sooner, and I hope it can become less challenging as I work this hard, but I would do anything for them and I haven’t even met them. Imagine what kind of Dad I’ll be when I finally get to meet them with Julio.
Where is this blog post going? To be honest, I’m not sure. It’s kind of just stuck in all of “this” similarly to the way I am stuck in them too. Trying my best to manage it all and be a good person. For those of you feeling the same, I hope you know you are not alone.
The world is a pretty intense place full of expectations and exaggerations, but remember that not everyone lives by the same rules. If you need to rest, please do. Pay attention to your mental health. Allow yourself the time to heal and try to see the good in others, even when they give you reasons not to. We’re all fighting invisible battles, and we all have the capability of beauty in our hearts.
Don’t forget to be kind & laugh a little more this year, and the next
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