It’s been too long since I last signed in to touch base with you. Over the course of the last few months (or 2024 entirely, if I’m being honest) I’ve been struggling with the fact that as a writer who has always found strength in my words, I’ve been scared of them more than ever.
If I write them down and hit publish, they become real. They leave my overactive and often times catastrophizing mind. They express truths about my life that I am simultaneously embarrassed and ashamed of, sad for, angry at, and wishing were different.
But that’s not life, is it? I can’t ignore away the hard parts, and for too long I was finding ways to hide from all of those feelings in dangerous, selfish and unhealthy ways. If I itemized what I have lived and put others through since January, you probably wouldn’t believe me. The details of course are personal and I hope that at this point in my life I have finally learned that some things are better left unsaid, or kept behind closed doors.
I don’t want to dump on people anymore. I don’t want to be polarizing. I don’t want to manipulate people or situations to get the outcome I want. I don’t want pity, and I certainly don’t want any more pain for anyone in my life. This year is absolutely not what I thought it would be, but it’s time I accept it for what it is.
I have to believe that the universe gives me what it knows I can handle in order for me to learn, to grow, and to one day be better from.
I have sent the apologies I have been avoiding via email, DMs, LinkedIn and text. I have taken accountability instead of avoidance. I have had long looks in the mirror to admit to myself that my healing has not been without hiccups and failures. I have made a lot of mistakes as a person and I will reiterate again to you if you’re one of the people they have affected, how sorry I truly am. I can’t change the past, but I can work to make sure it doesn’t repeat anymore.
I am trying to make right the wrongs I can. And I share not just for the ability to get it off my chest so that maybe tonight I don’t wake up every two hours anxious about this all, but to make space for those out there who have had a really hard year as well. If I’m being honest, almost everyone I hold dear to me has in some way been struggling and I wish I could snap my fingers and take all our pain and worry away.
So let me paint a picture on a rainy night in Ottawa.
I’m sitting in the house I called home for almost four years with one lamp on, wearing my favourite yellow matching Roots sweats. There are boxes half full of items all over the house waiting to be sealed and moved into Mama Sue’s house now that I’ve given notice to my landlord. (See this post where I shared about it finally.)
With every picture or piece of art I take down, I am reliving the memories and emotional attachments to them, which is really fucking hard. I am sorting items to be kept packed away, versus those that I will need while in Ottawa saving to pay off debts, bills, and finally work towards getting back to Toronto permanently again. I am also carefully organizing items that are important, and that I understand need to make their way to Toronto before I do.
Amid all that, I am trying to still make a consistent income and find inspiration to write and create content.
I have pushed away almost all my close friends and family because I am ashamed or they just don’t want to hear the same things I’ve been saying for months. And that’s fair. No one likes to see someone they care about in pain or stuck like I have been stuck.
November is a challenging month because on November 29th, it will be eight years since my Dad died suddenly. Not to mention December 3rd marking nine years since another important moment in my life. Add to that the holidays are quickly approaching, so it can feel like a lot all at once. As someone who has never really been able to compartmentalize life in order to focus on one thing at a time, that’s not a great combination.
Sometimes I guess that’s just how things can feel. I make to do lists that I hardly make a dent in, I’m always worried about money, I am navigating a road I didn’t see myself walking or want, and throughout it all I got really quiet.
If you know me, you know quiet is not a word anyone would ever use to describe me. 😂
One thing that I am grateful for is that amid this all, is that I didn’t lose my kind heart. I definitely have been misguided or blinded by emotions in some actions I thought would help, but I don’t regret any of them at all.
I’m not a bad person and I’m certainly not a monster. I am the topic of gossip more than I have ever been, but people are always going to talk.
As Mel Robbins says, let them.
This past weekend I found myself in auto pilot just trying to get myself out of bed, packing, donating, and moving slowly in car loads to Orleans from the house. I hate to admit that I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them all one day. I haven’t smoked in years, and that lapse in judgement left me not liking the way my body felt or that decision.
Maybe that was a lesson for me to learn. That as much as things from the past may have been the answer at one time in my life, that maybe they aren’t anymore.
Even writing those words evokes big feels that cause my chest to get tight and I feel my heart starting to race, but I remind myself that no one really knows what tomorrow holds.
We are all just trying our best. I could have reached for much worse things in that moment of weakness. And I hope next time I stop myself and think maybe I should go to the gym instead, or call a friend, or just take a walk.
I look back on the past few months and I acknowledge every mistake and opportunity I let slip through my fingers because I was convinced I didn’t deserve them. I am not my mistakes though, and for those of you out there who may feel a little lost as well, please know that you aren’t either.
I realized today that this year was the first in my life that I lived alone. I’ve always had someone else with me, or roommates. And while many of the days were lonely and sad filled with waves of emotion that washed over me, many more were lessons and opportunities to learn what I liked or wanted to do when no one else is around. I’ve come to realize that the biggest lesson in life is to continue to learn to fall in love with ourselves.
Not our habits. Not our possessions. Not our coworkers. Not our lovers. Not our romantics partners. Not our family.
To know what silence, stillness, and solitude mean and how powerful they are.
So that is me today. Sitting in silence as the sound of my fingers typing the keys on my laptop bounces off walls that progressively are becoming more bare.
On an 11 11 day.
I learned about a manifestation exercise that I thought I would share as I close out this blog post which I will feverishly reread over the next few days, worried that I wrote something that will upset someone.
Or that my words will be misunderstood and used against me.
Or that I didn’t say enough.
Eventually, I will accept that there will always be times in life where things don’t make sense. Where I can’t understand, agree with, or control what the outcome will be. But maybe, amid the big unknowns that keep me up at night, my ability to sit down and write it out will ultimately help me through it. And maybe, it can help one of you.
Back to the manifestation exercise, before the end of the day, think about the things you really want in life.
On a piece of paper, write them out eleven times in a row, and be specific.
As you write them out, quiet your mind and picture them as already real. Feel, touch, taste, smell and visualize all of those things as already yours.
Today is a magical day energetically and whether you believe in prayer, meditation, spells, or manifesting, it is an opportunity to tell your future self you’re ready for what you have always wanted.
I wrote mine out and I will hold them close knowing that I deserve and am ready for them all.
I hope from the bottom of my heart that your dreams come true as well, and I promise to not take so long to sit down and connect with you next.
Don’t forget to be kind & a little more honest with yourself this year