I have to be honest with you and say that I woke up today feeling very overwhelmed. I’m not sure if it’s because yet again my body, in lieu of a daunting schedule and a colossal amount of work this month, is getting sick again almost as if in protest. Maybe it’s because my heart is hurting for a few special people in my life who are going through difficult times. Whatever the reason may be, I am left thinking about the world we live in and the unreal standards that many of us set for ourselves. Why is it that we have been taught to not show emotion anymore? Don’t let them see you cry, right? Well, I do cry. And I do have hard days. And it’s okay to admit that.
I know that for many of you this may come out of left field. “But Daniel, you seem so happy.” And I am. I’m very happy. I’m very proud of what I have accomplished personally and professionally. I’m a positive person for the most part, and over this past year I’ve learnt to reign in my emotional responses to the things that happen to and around me. But this week seems to be extra difficult and I feel as though I am on the cusp of something I don’t yet understand. Why is it that when I express this sentiment, I’m reminded to keep it to myself? Why is it that in a world where we share everything online, that I’m not allowed to share all of me, and not just a curated part?
What many people don’t realize about me and this blog is that I almost walked away from it all earlier this year. When faced with some heavy issues, I was ready to give it up and let go of my dreams. I think that many of you have had, and continue to have, moments just like this. It is not just our happy moments in life that bring us together. Sometimes, it is also the tears and the pain that we have to overcome. As I am getting ready to take the next big step in my career over the next three weeks, I’m scared. And it’s okay to admit that. There is a certain unknown beauty in this life. It can be exciting, but also so terrifying.
This week I tried to find some balance in music. That’s my coping mechanism. It always has been, now that I think about it. I put on a song or two, and listen to it over and over until the melody runs through my veins. Until finally I can’t hold back the tears I need to shed. That release and that one moment where I take a minute to breathe and let go of the anxiety, the pain and the stress that are ultimately holding me back from myself. I’m an emotional person and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I don’t think anyone should be. It is my vulnerability in writing posts like this that helps to keep me grounded. If no one reads it, at least I know that I gave these thoughts to the universe in hopes that they make me wiser one day. And maybe this is some attempt to try and offer you a look inside of me and how I see the world. Maybe it’s the ramblings of a feverish man trying desperately to balance an overwhelming amount of work. Whatever it may be, these are my thoughts right now about life.
So today’s song is Lady Gaga’s ‘Million Reasons’. I went to bed not knowing it even existed, and woke up to a song that I can’t stop listening to. I like to believe that I can identify with her struggle to find herself while also sharing that same struggle with the world. Today, Thursday October 6th 2016, it is the song that best represents the way I am feeling. You can take from that what you will, but I hope that it means something to you when you listen to it. Music has the power to heal and to change the world as we know it. I truly believe that.
Chances are I will never meet Lady Gaga. But if I ever did, of all the songs she has ever written, it would be for this one that I say thank you. Funny how that works. A song that was written for reasons I may never understand, changing me in the smallest but most meaningful ways. What a beautiful thought. That we have the power to change people in this world without ever knowing it.
I hope that you can understand my necessity to remember to be human in writing these sort of posts. And whether you understand me or not, that you remember to also be human. Life is full of beautiful moments, but it is also okay to accept the not-so-beautiful ones.