Like I’ve Been Holding My Breath All Along

I think I’ve been starting at my computer screen for days. A thought sparks in my brain about what I want to write about, or what deal I need to get started on, and for the first 30 seconds I get going and it’s magic.

Shortly after I find myself distracted and pulled in another direction. I want to be simultaneously blogging, creating REELs, sending invoices, actually figuring out what the fuck I’m doing with myself these days, spend time with Julio, drink wine, talk to my friends, pay down some bills, workout. That’s just to name a few of the thoughts and directions I am pulled in at any given time of day.

Some might say I’m in the midst of an epic burnout (again), but the fact remains that any business owner lives this every day. Big, small, entrepreneur and everything in between. Working for yourself may seem fabulous but it’s a lot of juggling and just keeping your head above water. Like I am holding my breath and hoping for this rough patch to just finally be done.

Julio sometimes jokes around about how weird the world must seem to be in my mind, as someone that continuously puts himself into situations like this where I am facing a mountain of work and find myself unable to take the fist step. They say your home office or desktop are a sign of the way your brain thinks, and well….

I hadn’t been coping with stress in the best ways right now and my life was affected by those choices a lot more often than I care to admit. I am really struggling to not feel lost and have just recently started a new anti-depressant in hopes that it will help. There have been again days where I can’t get off the couch or out of bed because it all feels too much which is why I am making this choice.

Of course that whole process is very scary to me because it reminds me of the challenging time I had in early 2022 on my first try with another pharmaceutical that didn’t go very well. I did promise my husband that I would try again to hopefully find more stable ground mentally and emotionally. Of course like any anti-depressant they tell me that it will take weeks to kick in and that I have to be patient, but it does leave me feeling like a chemistry experiment that everyone just expects to fail again.

Maybe that’s where this is all stemming from. I feel like I am actively failing and am trying so hard to believe that I can get past it. My marriage is a topic I don’t share openly about anymore because #BeenThereDoneThat, but like any marriage it has its ups and downs.

I’ve not opened up about this before but the blog as an incorporated business failed miserably a few years ago and I am still dealing with the financial repercussions of that. Working for myself is amazing but it brings with it an incredible amount of pressure to perform. As I inch towards marking 10 years of being a part of this all with you in January 2023, I am torn. Do I celebrate the milestone in the biggest way I can imagine, or do I say my fond farewells and bow out once and for all after a good run?

A lot of people would be happy to see Do The Daniel come to an end, and while that makes me sad and hurts quite deeply, I can sort of see their point. Goodness knows my family would be happy to see me find a “stable” and consistent job, but how do I explain to them that this feeds my soul in a way I can’t quite express? I know that Julio would love me to leave this all behind us and that comes with its own challenges and conversations.

I’ve been wearing acrylic nails lately because I like the way they make me feel. Like I have a shield against a world that often will sniff out a weakness and use it against me. Today I ripped them all off out of anxious frustration and I am so angry at myself. Some people tell me it’s silly to wear them anyway. Some people remind me that I’m not sticking to a diet or a physical wellness routine and that’s why I am unhappy with my body. And so many people think it’s okay to discuss such things openly when they themselves aren’t exactly the ideal person. I hear the whispers behind my back, and while I want to say they are behind me for a reason, it does still affect me.

I am the kind of person who thrives on hearing “Omg I don’t know how you do it. You’re always so busy.” and that love scares me if I’m being honest. I think I set the bar so high that now I’m stuck in a cycle of always trying to outdo myself, take on more work, and hear that gorgeous praise and validation again. I love it when people underestimate me and I prove them wrong. That of course in and of itself isn’t great because it comes from a deep place of insecurity and abandonment, while seeking the validation of others to feel fulfilled.

These are all topics I am working through with my psychotherapist and trying to get a hold of. All that to say it is a lot to juggle while trying to do what I love vs what others think I should do.

Here’s where I stand right now. I have a lot on my plate, I don’t often feel heard when I try to express how I feel, and I want to feel content in my life again. There is of course the reality that I am simultaneously happy and unhappy – these emotions aren’t mutually exclusive and that’s a strange feeling to live in. I am cleaning up the mess of the business that I steered into the ground, organizing my personal finances, trying to save for a baby and unsure on what the rest of this year holds, let alone next year.

But that’s ok.

I am going to be okay. This is a lot to deal with and this year has been a lot. Today I am making healthier choices for myself and I will continue to try and do that in hopes that tomorrow may be a little bit easier.

If you’re out there reading this and feeling lost or alone, I want you to remember that every single person around you today has felt that exact same way. You are not alone.

If you’re a struggling small business owner or someone who has had to close a business, please know that there is no shame in failing. Yes it’s hard to accept, but I have picked up the pieces of my ego and am building something new that I can use my mistakes to learn from and be better.

The world is a heavy place right now and there are a lot of reasons to be upset. Today, I hope you find one small reason to smile.

Don’t forget to be kind & laugh a little more this year

Daniel Reyes Cocka xo