While I sit down to write this blog post after the most tumultuous and jarring 36 hours of my life in many years, I am doing my best to not collapse under the pressure.
They say in life that some things you have to learn the hard way, and my friends, this is about to be one of those moments for me. What I do know, and can share, is that it’s time I get very honest with you and with myself. It’s time I start down my sobriety path openly, honestly, and in hopes that the challenges that lay ahead (as I share them along the way) help anyone out there who has been or is currently struggling.
February 20, 2024.
Day 1 of being 100% sober.
Day 1 of a new way of life.
The circumstances that have led me to this – what some might say – extremely long overdue decision stems from multiple moments in my life. There have been issues of substance abuse in my twenties that made themselves comfortable in the back of my mind are still around well into this latest decade. Most recently I found myself reliant on a drink a day, if not several.
The issue wasn’t that I was drinking every day, because by this point I had been able to justify my consumption based on stress, or relationships with those in my life. But what was concerning was the amount. It wasn’t a glass of wine, it was a bottle of tequila a day. And I completely understand that this admission is going to cause some concerns in my professional life – that being said, If I don’t finally own up to my mistakes after everything that has happened, I probably never will.
I have to take the advice that someone important told me. If I’m going to be honest, I have to be completely honest. And this is what honestly looks like for me. An addict who wants to change. And I use the present tense because addiction is a disease that I have lived with, and will continue to live with for the rest of my life. It is not something that you can cure or simply stop.
What do I want to be the end goal of this admission? Well, I want to be a better man who is in control of his life, his actions, his choices, and his relationships. All of which have been challenged, if not derailed entirely behind the scenes.
Day one has been nothing short of a blur, but that is because there is lots of other moving pieces that are happening. But I think that if I am to be successful, and ultimately come out stronger on the other side of this life choice, I have to do it for the right reasons, and most of all, for myself.
I’m going to be attending meetings, seeking in or out patient programs in Ottawa, balancing my work load with those partners that understand my greatest strength as a creator is my vulnerability, and allow myself to feel the ups and inevitable downs that will come of this process. If this scares something or someone away from working with me, I will accept that as necessary right now.
For those of you reading this, please know that I am going to be okay. I am going to own my mistakes (big and small) and work towards what can only be the best case scenario by not avoiding anything anymore. I have to believe the old adage about it always being darkest before the dawn.
I am going to do this for me, and with the support of my family, I hope that this is a new chapter in becoming a better me.
Sending you love and a little more compassion for yourselves.
Daniel