I had an interesting appointment with my therapist recently where we were discussing my career, my love life, my sex life, and what I was doing for myself these days. After my birthday in October where I spent it in Toronto busying myself with work and surrounded by people that bring me joy, I got back to Ottawa and completely shut down for two weeks. I turned the world off proverbially, and most days I couldn’t even eat, let alone create content or write or look at my phone to respond to anyone.
Amid the session, I wanted to talk about that burnout and how I was carrying the heartbreak of accepting the life I knew and loved was coming to an end, and how much I am hurting. I also realized that I could look at it as an opportunity to start the life I wanted and deserved. It felt like I was finally clawing myself out from under the past nine months, and I actually took a very small sigh of relief while simultaneously allowing myself to cry as many big heavy tears as needed.
At 41 – back “in shape” (an ongoing process) in a way that makes me feel desirable again and away from people who made me feel ugly on the inside and out for too long – I am in every respect closing chapters of my life and finding myself all over again.
The thing about chapters is that when one ends, until the book is done, naturally another is about to begin even if you can’t quite understand where it’s leading you in the story. More importantly, even if you don’t want to, you must keep reading because stories aren’t meant to be read backwards or left half finished. That’s just how books work.
Add to the physical improvement amid the highs and lows of my healing journey, I am still actively working on my mental, emotional and spiritual self, and it kind of feels like I am setting in motion something important.
I am about to embark on a nesting season of sorts thanks to Mama Sue that will allow me to get out from under the financial wreck I am knowingly in by paying for everything I have in the past year. I want to make it clear that in that I have no regrets, but that I am just admitting a fact. In fact I’m mostly proud of the things I did from a good place because to me they were the right thing to do at the time.
My therapist and I talked about what ifs and why nots, but mostly I wanted answers that she helped to remind me I might never get. That might be okay for some, but for an anxious attachment personality like myself, it can be quite literally horrific. It opens the mind to think the worst possible scenarios, to spiral into thoughts about what people are doing and saying, and ultimately just continue the cycle of anxiety.
While chatting about this all, I was reminded about the early 2000s. I was with my boyfriend at the time and my two closest friends were about to pack up their entire lives and move to London England. I remember feeling very torn by that because while I was excited for them, I was also incredibly jealous and kept that feeling hidden deep down inside. I don’t think I’ve ever actually admitted that out loud until recently with her and now with you.
I was in love so I felt like even thinking about leaving him and joining them was a betrayal to love itself, and ultimately the most selfish and horrible thing I could ever do. Even after they left, I felt awful for months for even considering it. While that relationship ended in a blaze of glory, I don’t regret staying with him and loving him.
I don’t regret being in love with and loving anyone in my life because I know that they deserved and needed my unconditional love when they had it. I’ve definitely got my shit (who doesn’t…), but I’m a pretty incredible partner and I do anything for love. Especially big love.
My therapist pointed out that maybe that was a learning opportunity that if a similar scenario presented itself in the future, I might pick myself instead this time.
Amid this all, I started to daydream about the possibility of instead of moving to Toronto, maybe I could start fresh somewhere new. I’ve always loved Vancouver. The pacific ocean soothes my soul in a way I can’t quite explain. No offense to the USA because I LOVE Los Angeles, but hard pass for the next few years on that as an option. I love London England and could absolutely see myself moving there, finding my new path, and all the good that comes with that. I feel like I’ve lived past lives in Mexico City, and the idea of living there has always been so intriguing to me. All of those swirled in my mind and the possibilities felt refreshing.
Moving that far away on my own is of course a daunting idea, but there is something quite beautiful in going somewhere no one knows me. That train of thought led me to start thinking about what it would be like hanging up my proverbial coat as a content creator. I could be more behind the scenes and live a more private life. I could open myself to the adventures that life and love hold without any eyes on me. And while even admitting to those thoughts brings up a lot of emotion right now, I know that life moves on and so do people. Staying stuck in one spot, stubbornly holding on to one specific outcome as the only option like a young child throwing a tantrum isn’t how it goes.
Trust me. I’ve been there often, and it doesn’t work.
Sometimes you don’t get the ending you want, no matter how hard you try….
Ouch.
I know.
Add to that how we discussed the concept of “your tribe is your vibe.”
If I’m honest, I am tired of letting myself chase after the wrong friends. It’s a really bad habit of mine where I’ve put effort into the wrong people and have neglected the ones that are actually there for me, especially the ones that have been there this year. I get so excited when I feel a new connection, and then so hurt when it fizzles out or doesn’t go anywhere. It’s so silly to admit how hard it is to make and keep friends as an adult, but I’ll keep trying. I am going to stop putting effort into online “friendships” that aren’t real, and it’s not out of malice, but rather I am going to accept that we just aren’t friends and that’s okay.
I use the word friend really loosely, and I think it’s time I find and nourish genuine connection.
An unfollow on social media doesn’t always need beef and I hope when I start the process people understand. If they don’t I will happily explain that I want to focus on real connections and friendships and people who make an effort to be a part of my life. No more politics of following people because I’m supposed to, and no more drama.
Blocking me is a choice that usually hurts my feelings, and I do take that personally, but I believe that everyone has there reasons and I really want to lean into the “let them” mentality. I accept their choice and I wish them well.
I want to embrace my forties in a way that allows me to do what is right for me, no matter what that means.
All of this to say I love to daydream. I am the quintessential hopeful romantic that sees the best in every person I meet, know and love, even when they show me their worst. Of course we all know that we can’t physically run from our problems, but my therapist and I talked about how in my hypothetical world I could do therapy virtually, continue with my personal growth, and find something new that was just mine.
Now of course, I want to make clear that I’m not packing up my life and moving around the world any time soon. The sentiment was the important part of that session. I have unlimited possibilities in front of me, and I am in control of where I take myself and what and who I allow in my life moving forward.
The plan is still for me to return to Toronto in 2025 as soon as possible and start building a new life for myself. I close my eyes and picture stability, where I feel warmth and safety in a new home, in a city I know and love. I will forgive every friend and every lover who ever broke my heart because they had to leave. I will learn my new neighborhood. I will find my new grocery store, and local restaurants. I’ll learn what streets to walk at night after events from the subway or streetcar or bus and the shortcuts to get to my front door. I’ll start to recognize the faces of my neighbors and of their children and pets. I will learn how to get to any one of the studios I work with and how long my commute will take to ensure I make it on time for a segment.
I will one day be ready to open myself up again. That might take a little while, or it might take a long time, and both are okay. I don’t want to rush while I’m working on being a better, happier, healthier me. I will eventually get a new dog, and I will always tell them about Canela when we cuddle on the couch. When I’m ready in whatever situation I am at the time, I will start towards starting my family. I’m not getting any younger and I haven’t given up hope on being a Dad. I’m not sure what that will look like and whether I will do it on my own, but I know I am going to work really hard in order to have the opportunity to try. I’ll find my new circle, and my new coffee shop, and my favourite place to grab a sweet treat when I crave one, and everything will one day be okay again.
It will be okay.
I will be okay.
Hope for better things, and hope in general, have gotten me out of really dark moments. I like to believe that we should allow ourselves to hope and daydream a little more in life.
I am right now sitting and thinking about you reading these words. I send you lofty dreams of destinations and lovers and life and food because even if it’s just a dream, it can inspire something beautiful in real life too.
I end this blog post with a simple question for you. In a hypothetical world of daydream, where would YOU start over if you could? It’s okay to imagine and think big thoughts even if they don’t lead anywhere, so keep dreaming big.
I’m still very much me deep down. I’m going to wish on shooting stars and the full moon for certain things probably for a very long time because that is where I am. I’m going to daydream of the life I want with the people I want in it, and if the universe agrees I will be one lucky man.
If not, I won’t hold on too hard that I miss something new. And I promise, as hard as it’s going to be, that I will not stand in the way of others having the life they want, choose, and dream for.
Don’t forget to be kind & a little more honest with yourself this year